I've recently had the opportunity to sift through some old photographs, many of which showed a skinnier me (although certainly not happier). I spent hours rummaging through these old photos, looking at past scenes from my life, thinking how much of a shame it was that I didn't know just how gorgeous I was. I've never liked the way I look, but the girl (and eventually woman) staring back at me looked just beautiful, in her own way, happy, sweet, and I was filled with love her. I suppose that is progress in my own journey of self-acceptance. I mean, I didn't look back at those photos and think how I could see a bulge in my shirt from my fat roll, or that my cheeks were too big, or my legs weren't tan enough or slim enough or toned enough.
However, I did start wishing that I looked like that now. I've gained roughly 20 pounds since those photos taken several years ago, due to dieting of course, but I caught myself looking at the photos and thinking how I would be happier if I lost 20 pounds and looked like that again. I'm not quite sure what to do in those situations. Do I try to lose weight? My gut says "of course not!". Do I ignore my feelings? I don't think so, because those feelings are signs that there is still something amiss in my own acceptance of my body and my looks and ultimately myself. I suppose the only thing I can do is acknowledge that I still have those feelings, that it's ok, and to try to understand why. And to be patient with myself.